What follows is what I’ve learned about relationships over the course of my life. In short, they are rewarding and difficult.
As an introvert, my circle of close relationships has always tended to be fairly narrow. Mostly they’re immediate and extended family.
Now that I’m retired, I don’t have as many professional connections as in the past. Similarly, I don’t have hunting or fishing buddies because I consider those two activities to be a complete waste of time!
Where I am right now
That said, I’m reasonably active on LinkedIn, with 5000 or so connections. In addition, I serve on a homeowner’s association board and currently am a family rep for a family estate. Believe it or not, I’m beginning to connect with a few new people following our relocation!
Therefore, I do have some ongoing connections as a result of outside-of-family activities. But, as expected, some of those relationships lack the depth of friendships I had in the past as a professional.
Given that list of caveats, here’s some “best relationship advice” from a husband of 47+ years, a father of four, a grandfather of six, and brother to one, after a 50-year professional career.
Relationships are intentional
Even among immediate family members, we must be intentional about building relationships. Why? Because they don’t happen accidentally. Or, because we happen to live together.
One way to be intentional is to be present. That is, to be aware of what’s happening in the lives of those around us.
So, how do you find out what’s happening? Stop what you’re doing. For a time, pause what’s distracting you at work or in your personal life. Instead, interact. Ask questions. Listen to the answers.
Ruth 2.13 is part of a conversation in a first meeting between two people who would later become husband and wife. She mentions his friendliness in speaking to her heart. More broadly, that story of the kinsman redeemer pictures Christ (the bridegroom, see Matthew 9.15) and the church (the bride, see Revelation 19.7-9). proverbsforprofessionals.net
Relationships are mutual
Fact is, we don’t build lasting relationships when they are one-sided. Both partners must be committed to the relationship. And, both partners must bring something to the table in terms of contribution in regard to caring and emotional support.
There must be common ground else one partner consumes the other as one stops being who they are in order to satisfy the other.
Remember, mutual submission doesn’t mean one partner in a relationship stops existing as the person they really are inside!
Here’s a simple example. You go to a family reunion. Who do you avoid at all costs? Well, it’s the uncle or brother-in-law who talks constantly about themselves! They have nothing to give back because they’re self-consumed.
Unfortunately, shallowness of character doesn’t produce mutual relationships that are beneficial to both partners.
Ephesians 5.14-21 teaches that mutual submission is based on awareness, careful use of our time, doing God’s will, avoiding excesses, and being an encouragement to others. Thus, that submission is one outcome of very deliberate personal and spiritual growth. proverbsforprofessionals.net
Relationships are from the overflow
I’m best positioned to enhance a relationship when I am growing. Specifically, I must be growing personally, spiritually, and professionally.
Conversely, when I stop growing I endanger the relationship. Again, why? Because if my partner/friend is growing, while I’m not growing, we’ll move apart.
Consequently, the overflow from a growing life is a great place from which to give out to others. As such, that overflow of personal and spiritual growth is the foundation for solid relationships both inside and outside my immediate family.
A worst-case scenario, I think, is when both partners in a relationship stop growing personally, and most especially in their spiritual lives. In that case, the common ground becomes dated very quickly. There’s nothing new, or fresh, or living to spark interest.
From Mark 5.19 we learn that we’re to share with friends how our lives have been transformed emotionally and spiritually. proverbsforprofessionals.net
Relationships are challenging
Now, building a relationship is hard work. And, maintaining a relationship over a long period of time is even more challenging.
Why? (Are you seeing a wording pattern here?). The challenge is in finding common ground when both the partners are changing. Plus, situations around them are changing. Moreover, relationships outside that pairing are changing as well.
Into that mix of constant change we look for stability. Instead, what we find is that people are human. Thus, they make mistakes. Or, they do things we disagree with. Sometimes violently disagree. Additionally, others say things that are deeply hurtful to us. Hurtful, even after we’ve invested years of effort into the relationship.
Sometimes, your friend/partner/family member takes a turn for the worse with bad habits, poor choices, or a destructive lifestyle.
A relationship is challenging, thus requires deep commitment to the relationship by both partners. Is commitment alone a cure-all? Of course not!
However, are we required to maintain a relationship at all costs? The short answer is that I’m not required to facilitate or endure a relationship that’s destructive to me personally or to those around me. How that situation plays out in terms of a solution will differ from relationship to relationship.
James 4.4 warns us that some relationships are destructive. Most especially, they can be destructive to our relationship with the Lord. proverbsforprofessionals.net
Some Take-Aways
Human relationships are indeed critical to our survival and to the development of our self-worth.
Relationships with others – even immediate family – are of limited value, I believe, if we don’t value our spiritual nature by maintaining a vital relationship with the Lord.
Just because we observed a practice working for others, it doesn’t mean that the practice will enhance every other relationship we are involved with. Thus, be discerning.