A relationship proceeds through stages while we’re building an impactful friendship.
How friendly?
We have casual acquaintances. That is, we know their name and recognize them in passing. But, it’s inaccurate to call them a friend.
We interact regularly with others. The conversations are more frequent; the relationship may involve an occasional meal together. They’re friends, but not part of your closest inner circle.
There’s a third group of close friends where the deepest conversations occur. Where we share serious concerns and, in return, sense ongoing support and encouragement.
Getting to Impactful
One way to look at these three categories of friendships is to view them as stages, thus, a progression. The number of people we let in goes down as we move from casual acquaintance to deep sharing.
Why fewer? Because relationship building is hard work. It requires a time commitment. And, close relationships expend trust and empathy.
Characteristics of Each Stage
1). Early Contact – We meet people in different ways and in different contexts. An early contact may lead to a longer conversation.
This conversation may center on a specific need where one person has something of value to share, such as experience or expert advice. An Informational Interview falls into this category.
The conversation is arm’s length, it may involve expressing empathy or sharing some frank observations. Here, the interactions are friendly, there’s sharing back and forth, or things may be mostly one-directional, Q&A sessions.
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend…” Proverbs 27.6 proverbsforprofessionals.net
2). Relationship Building – That initial meeting or two may lead to regular conversations. The conversations are free-flowing, hence informal and unstructured. For example, “Have You/Did You” follow-ups from earlier meetings.
Both individuals are opening up, both are sharing, and both feel comfortable about how things are progressing. The conversations have moved from one-directional to two-way sharing. A mentoring relationship falls into this category.
“…so the sweetness of a man’s friend by soul-level counsel.” Proverbs 27.9 proverbsforprofessionals.net
3). Deep Sharing – Here, both individuals have confidence in the other. Both are sharing freely. Only a few others, such as a spouse, are hearing much of these conversations.
The interactions are structured and growth focused. These close friends are working through challenges together. Both individuals benefit from the conversations, thus the growth is mutual. That’s true, even if the topics are professional because the sharing is deeply personal.
“Iron sharpens iron…so a man…his friend” Proverbs 27.17 proverbsforprofessonals.net
A Personal Reflection
I currently have several friends in the relationship-building stage. The sharing is open and honest, based on mutual interests and experiences.
I had a mentor near the end of my career. That relationship was friendly but not deeply personal. I was there to learn and develop my professional demeanor. Fortunately, that’s what happened. My career trajectory benefitted greatly. But, I had little to offer back to my mentor.
Then, there’s one relationship, beyond my spouse, in the deep-sharing stage. We’ve been meeting regularly for several years. Our conversations have evolved and deepened as we’ve faced serious life events. Both of us are enjoying the mutual support and encouragement from the relationship.
For me, it’s been years since I’ve had this depth of a friendship. Why “years”? In part, because I was so overwhelmed by the demands of my professional life that I neglected close friendships. Instead, I had lots of professional relationships facilitating my daily duties.
Apply This Today!
Disclaimer: I’m writing this post as an introvert who prefers fewer, deeper relationships. Also, my mentor told me I’m guarded, which impacts my willingness to build relationships. Your own preferences and experiences may vary from mine.
Building an impactful friendship demands intentionality. Deep sharing doesn’t happen unless we’re deliberate about it.
Mutual benefit occurs when both friends are committed to growing and sharing. We become sharper on purpose. We’re deliberate about our influence.
For a person of faith, friendships can have a deep, spiritual impact. Here’s my paraphrase of Matthew 5.16: Let the light of your good works shine so brightly before others that it points them to God. Ultimately, it’s about the other person – period.
A Question to Consider
How does your experience with relationship building match the three-step model I’ve proposed here?
I’m Dale Young. My posts share the balanced life to build wise character and guide wise behavior.
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