To be successful in moving beyond regrets we must be honest enough with ourselves to admit we’re not perfect. More importantly, we must recognize we’re not completely healed from our past.
Being asked about regrets is a leading question because it puts us on the spot.
That is, we must be honest enough with ourselves to admit we’re not perfect. More importantly, we must recognize we are not completely healed from our past.
Instead, the past regrets are always there. It’s a shadow that, if allowed to, can cloud all else that’s good in our lives.
A Shallow Response
In one respect, “Do you have any regrets?” is easy to answer.
For example, by saying something shallow like: “Oh, sure we all have regrets of one type or another. But, I’ve come to terms with my past and have moved on from my earlier failures.”
However, it’s not realistic to believe we all are completely at peace with our past behavior, relationships, and decisions. While some individuals may have that peace, I suspect it’s more a factor of being clueless and thoughtless, rather than the outcome of careful analysis and healing.
We avoid this type of shallow response by thinking critically. In turn, that deep thought builds our self-awareness and discernment. Proverbs 14.8 describes this precept.
Extremes of Regret
I suspect that most people live somewhere between the two extremes of:
1). The unrealistic “No regrets” life, and
2). The unsustainable “haunted by regrets” life.
“No regrets” ignores the fact that we have, by our deliberate or unintentional behavior, hurt others. That we have actually made poor choices, for example, in regard to finances. To me, the phrase expresses both arrogance and insensitivity.
A “No regrets” life is unexamined. It’s clueless. Why? Because it moves forward in an endless loop that includes:
Life experience->No reflection->No learning->No growth->Repeat the cycle
At the other extreme, some individuals are constantly haunted by regrets. Thus, they are unable to forgive others, or to forgive themselves. As a result, they constantly replay in their heads an event. It never gets better. Actually, that self-talk is destructively overbearing for them.
Coming out of the “haunted by regrets” life is a fearfulness to act. An inability to move forward. A lack of personal growth. Yes, something happened years ago. Unfortunately, the person never left that spot emotionally. They are still standing right there.
How do I wind up in this trap?
One reason is because I’m unteachable due to unjustified pride or to stubbornness. Or, because I’ve had some modest level of success, which leads me to believe I know it all! See Proverbs 14.3 for support of this idea.
Balancing the Extremes
The balanced life, I believe, effectively avoids these “regret” extremes. When I’m in balance in regard to regrets I avoid the two extremes just discussed. In short, I break out of the endless loop of no learning by being intentionally reflective.
Sounds easy, right? Well, truth is some are better at this than others. For me personally, I’ve slowly improved but still have a long way to go.
I suspect that feeling regret influences how we talk to ourselves. Therefore, negative self-talk magnifies regrets. Over time, that thought pattern erodes our sense of self-worth.
From experience, I can say that it takes years to rebuild a sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
So, what does it look like to be in balance in regard to moving on from life regrets? I suggest the following:
Life experience->Careful reflection->Build experiential insights->Personal growth
Living in Balance
Where did this progression come from? The source of this “life in balance” template is from Proverbs 1.2-6. There, Solomon encourages us “to know wisdom” where wisdom is defined in terms of knowing, doing, and being.
Here’s the progression:
First, we thinking critically about an event. That critical thinking is paired with discernment to produce good judgment.
Second, Good judgment produces sound decisions that are appropriate, defensible, just, and insightful.
Third, that good judgment and those sound decisions drive wise behavior.
Fourth, the outcome of this most fundamental progression is a balanced life. That is, I act appropriately because I think critically.
In addition, I put myself in this position because I have a growth mindset – I believe I can grow personally, professionally, and spiritually.
Do You Have Any Regrets?
Ok, here are some of my personal regrets, in no particular order of importance.
1). Intentional Growth:
I was late to the game in regard to my own personal growth. I picked up lots of facts, but was less skilled at making sense of what had happened. As a result, I was not building experiential insights as quickly as I should have.
The starts and stops in the first twelve years of my career attest to that struggle with those fundamentals of growth. Things got much better after my mid-life career change into academia, in part, because I recognized the need for growth.
2). Interpersonal Sensitivity:
Yes, it’s still an issue! I can hear you laughing!
Seriously, I don’t think interpersonal sensitivity and my introversion are correlated.
Similarly, I don’t think my level of emotional maturity is directly related to my degree of interpersonal sensitivity. Yes, being temperamental certainly impacts relationships.
Instead, it’s taken me a long time to realize the following. Being hyper-goal-focused doesn’t produce the interpersonal sensitivity that’s required to recognize what’s happening in front of me.
What would have changed about me as a father and as a husband if I had picked up on this attribute earlier in life? Truly, we will never know.
My growth in this area did improve in regard to my professional demeanor and leadership capability. That improvement was a factor in me becoming a business school dean for the last three years of my academic career.
Again, sensitivity is a work in progress, but at least I’m aware. And, by the way, awareness should count for something, right?
3). Resource Stewardship:
Our issue with cash flows at various points in our married life is related to my lack of personal growth, Item One on this list of regrets.
Fact is, the more you grow personally and professionally the better positioned you are have appealing options offered to you. Again, I’ve improved at managing our finances. But, again, the progress was really slow.
In Summary:
Do I have regrets? Yes, I’ve listed some broad categories here.
But, Am I haunted by regrets? Not to the point that I’m unable to function.
Some Take-aways
Failure isn’t final. Learn, grow, and move on. Recognize the importance of being an intentional learner. Personal growth produces a very high return on the time you invest when you are moving beyond regrets.
What is fatal is to stay in that place of failure the rest of your life. Don’t settle. Be willing to take risks again. Don’t stay where you are because of fear about moving forward that’s fueled by past regrets.
Persistence is an extremely valuable life skill. For a slow learner like me, persistence can carry you a long way when you are short on other basic life skills!