One aspect of influence with friends is pointing out problems, hence the importance of preparing for hard conversations.
This is awkward!
Hard conversations, especially with friends, are tough. Even when delivered with grace and discretion, hard-to-hear advice may not be accepted. But, what’s the alternative? We simply bypass that needed conversation by flattery or by dismissing the destructive behavior.
Proverbs 28.23 offers two options: rebuke – have that hard conversation, or flattery – ignore the problem. There’s nothing in the verse about a power differential between the two individuals. Thus, the character of the advisor drives what is said.
This proverb doesn’t address the ultimate outcome if the destructive behavior continues. In contrast, Proverbs 28.16 describes an unaddressed problem, “The (leader) who lacks understanding is a great oppressor …”
In addition, Proverbs 28.23 doesn’t address how things play out for the advisor, other than the phrase “… find more favor …” if he/she has that hard conversation. But find favor from whom? Certainly not from a godless leader who hears only what he/she wants to hear, or is vindictive about criticism.
Offering correction is hard while flattery is easy! Proverbs 28.23 paraphrase
So Get Prepared!
To rebuke or reprove, thus offer honest criticism, is necessary. But it’s also unpleasant. These hard conversations work well for some people, say between close friends, but are a waste of time for others.
Ultimately, wise instruction must be paired with a learning heart if there’s to be correction and growth.
Are we willing to have hard conversations with others? To be prepared:
1). We must have insights that are of value to the other person.
2). The other person must be open to hearing and changing.
3). We must be discerning about when and how to have that hard conversation, especially if there’s a power difference between the two individuals.
Apply This Today!
Reproof raises the question “Is this a justifiable criticism?” We should be careful about dismissing concerns out of hand without giving them due consideration.
Reproving the unteachable is problematic, especially if the reprover’s options are limited.
My personal experience: I heard strong concerns from many people around me, then shared those concerns with the leader. He chose to ignore me, so I chose to resign rather than compromise my integrity. A few months later that leader was forced out.
A Question to Consider
What are the criteria you use for deciding when and how to have a much needed, hard conversation with a friend or co-worker?
Some Vocabulary
Proverbs 28.23 uses the word rebuke (Hebrew Yakach). That Hebrew word appears in Proverbs 9.7 “… rebuke a wicked man …” and in 9.8 “… rebuke a wise man …” The hearer’s attitude is important. Hard conversations build up some, but are a waste of time for others!
Proverbs 24.24 condemns “… saying to the wicked you are righteous …” Verse 25 adds that perverse person should be rebuked, praising the one who has the hard conversation.
Yakach is also translated reprove. For example, it’s used in Proverbs 9.8 “Don’t rebuke a scorner …” and 15.12 “A scorner (doesn’t like) the one that reproves him …” Proverbs 19.25 notes that when a discerning person is reproved, he/she becomes more discerning. Therefore, discernment enables us to listen and learn! Proverbs 25.12 pairs “… a wise reprover (and) obedient ear.” Thus, there are two sides to a hard conversation. Finally, in Proverbs 30.6 we’re warned to not add to God’s words or He will reprove us.
I’m Dale Young. My posts share the balanced life to build wise character and guide wise behavior.
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