Recognizing we’re worthy of respect is challenging. However, that recognition is essential for a flourishing life.
What’s the problem here?
When respect or love is conditional, we must earn it. Thus, we work to be good enough for that other person.
Who is that other person? They can be a close friend, a spouse, or a boss. A child may feel this way by how their parents treat them. And, that other person could be ourself, conditioned by negative self-talk.
Regardless of who, it’s someone so influential that we desire their respect. Now, we know respect should be unconditional, assuming we’re not dishonest or careless in our behavior. However, when respect is conditional, we have a problem.
We want to be respected for who we are, for our authentic self. Conversely, respect shouldn’t be conditioned on some unspoken or constantly-moving set of criteria! proverbsforprofessionals.net
What’s the outcome?
When respect, or more intimately – love, is conditional we struggle with self-worth. This issue with self-worth, how we feel about ourself, is the fundamental problem.
However, conditional love impacts our relationships with others. We’re always striving, and very often failing, to meet that other person’s approval, thus earn their respect.
Beyond our relationship with ourself and others, believing respect is conditional means we’ll struggle to grasp God’s love for us. We’ll inaccurately perceive that God’s love must also be earned by the things we do, or don’t do.
What Conditional Love Looks Like
In Genesis Chapter 29 we read the story of Jacob and two sisters, Rachel and Leah. Both were his wives.
According to Genesis 29.30 Jacob “…loved Rachel more than Leah…” As you can imagine, that favoritism brought stress into the family!
Indeed, Leah used the term “affliction” (or “misery”) in verse 32, after the birth of her first son, to describe the tension, “…surely the Lord has looked upon my affliction…” In that same verse she adds “…now therefore my husband will love me…”
In verse 33, after the birth of a second son, Leah says “…the Lord has heard that I was hated…” After the birth of her third son, she says “…now this time will my husband become attached to (feel affection for) me…”, verse 34.
These ancient statements of concern are harsh examples of what conditional love looks like by the person who was trying to earn respect and affection through her actions. Physical intimacy didn’t reflect unconditional love.
Performance-based affection isn’t true affection. Worse yet, it degrades our self-worth. proverbsforprofessional.net
What’s our way out?
Is there a way out of feeling that we must earn respect or be worthy of love?
There isn’t be a quick fix unless we can leave or force a change. That’s certainly true for a child. If it involves employment, getting reassigned or moving elsewhere takes time.
Given the variety of situations, it’s hard to give a simple formula for removing the conditions imposed by someone for earning their respect.
That said, at a minimum, we can take responsibility for our own feelings and our own sense of self-worth. We must recognize unhealthy patterns of self-talk and the condescending responses of others.
Nothing is going to change externally, such as boundaries and accountability, until we build self-respect and our sense of self-worth.
A Personal Reflection
For me, developing self-worth improved my career trajectory. I first developed my self-awareness, which was the foundation for greater self-worth.
Truly, it’s unproductive to make career changes when we’re dragging around low self-esteem from job to job. It leaves us with a negative outlook about our capabilities. In effect, we’re walking in the door with self-limiting beliefs that hinder our performance.
Actually, until our self-perception changes, our specific career path isn’t relevant! I learned all about this negative cycle from my early-career missteps.
Apply This Today!
Acknowledging we’re worthy of respect, and living like it, can be two very different things!
To understand unconditional love we first must grasp the importance of self-respect.
Being respected as an employee, and feeling loved as a spouse or child, must be unconditional. When relationships become conditional our life is out of balance.
A Question to Consider
Was there a turning point in your life when you realized you were worthy of respect? How did you act on that revelation?
I’m Dale Young. My posts share the balanced life to build wise character and guide wise behavior.
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